Life has a way of leaving a person Devastated. It can happen at any age, at any time. I have known devastation all too often over the years. It began when I was a very young girl and seems to have stuck with me all of my life. Just when I think things are going good, that my life has turned around, devastation rears its ugly head and takes a bite out of me again.
As a young girl and into my teens, we moved around a lot due to my father's line of work. When I was really young it didn't seem to bother me much. As I got older I found life pretty tough. Every time I got used to living in a new place and had made a few friends we moved. It left me Devastated. I wanted a normal, stable family lifestyle. I wanted friends - no, that's not the whole truth - I needed friends. I needed someone to confide in, someone to share my joys and hurts, someone who was not my younger sister or brother. Sisters and brothers are great but you cannot tell them everything.
The last move we made was in the middle of my 9th year of school. By then I was a loner. I just applied myself to my studies. I had no way of knowing if or when we would move again. Being a loner paid off for me on this last move. We were living in a large city and I got bussed 20 miles out of town to a country school because the school I should have attended was over crowded. So here I was, in a new place, with new people who I couldn't spend time with because they lived in the country and I was bussed back to the city after school. By the 11th grade I had a friend who was also being bussed so we were able to spend time together but before the end of 11th grade her family moved. Linda was probably the first friend I was able to confide in and share secrets with. I missed her friendship. It was so painful that I swore I would never let anyone get close to me again.
During the summer between my 11th and 12th year of school I met the man I would eventually marry. Once again I thought I had found a new friend that loved me, would never hurt me and would always be there for me. If you read my page Living Lies you know how that turned out.
I never had the opportunity to make new friends until I was 34 years old. It was not easy for me to make new friends because I was afraid that they would disappear on me. I became the one who everyone turned to to tell their troubles to because I listened and did not judge anyone. Everyone thought I was the best friend they could possibly have because they thought I had the perfect life. I never confided in them to the contrary or shared my feelings with them so they had no reason to think otherwise. If they only had known how Devastated I was and how much I hurt inside they would have been shocked. Even my one close friend would have been surprised.
I was transferred by the company I worked for in 1996. Once again, a new area where I knew no one. It wasn't easy for me to leave my one close friend of thirteen years behind. Although I knew everything about her and her life she knew very little about me. One month after I moved my oldest daughter passed away. I have been totally Devastated since then. And now, almost five years after her death, I find myself struggling to deal with it. Reality has reared it's ugly head and is forcing me to feel my pain and guilty feelings. I do not think the need for a friend has ever weighed so heavily on me before. But how does one find a friend you trust enough to confide in, someone you believe will care and not leave you more Devastated than one thought was possible? How do you trust someone enough to discuss your pain and feelings of guilt?
It takes a giant leap of faith to put that kind of trust in someone. No one wants to be betrayed by someone they care about and trust. So you take your time getting to the point that you trust someone enough to confide in them. How do you do this? You listen to what they have to say. You come to believe them when they say they are your friend, that they are not like other people who only claim to be your friend. You believe them when they say they are not using you for their own pesonal needs. You believe them when they tell you that they care about you and trust you. You believe them when they say that it is okay for you to be yourself and vent your feelings. You believe and trust them because you NEED to.
You are confident that you have not been lied to. After all, you have been straight forward and honest with your friend. You truly care about the person and want the best for them. You believe they return the same sentiments, especially since you have known them for the better part of eighteen years. So you take that leap of faith believing that you will not be left Devastated to the point of no return.
While it is one of the hardest things you have ever done, you confide in your friend knowing that they will be there for you no matter what. You take that leap and find yourself falling into a dark abyss. Where are you, my trusted friend? I need you to keep your word. I do not want to go crashing into the bottom of this dark abyss, for surely I will break into so many pieces that I will never become whole again.
I have always been there for you my friend. I have been honest with you. I have not made up excuses for not being there for you. I have done my best to help you in anyway you needed me to. I have given you my support when you needed it. I have shown genuine, heart-felt concern for you. I have never abandoned you. I have kept in touch with you on a regular basis as you used to keep in touch with me.
Where are you? Have I over burdened you by confiding in you? Did you not tell me I could? Did you not say you returned the same caring and trust I put in you? Did you not say you are my friend?
Have I betrayed myself by needing a close friend? Have I convinced myself that I found a true friend? Is there such a thing as a real friend? I am not sure of anything anymore. All I know is that I have been Devastated one way or the other most of my life. I believe that I am destined to be alone. Perhaps my problem is that I trust to easily and I care to much. Perhaps this world has changed so much that no one really cares about true friendship. Perhaps no one has the time for it. Perhaps being a loner all of my life I did not notice when the world passed me by, leaving me with out-of-date ideas on friendship.
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